Monday, May 27, 2013

The Absurdity of Extreme Couponing & Sausage

I rant from time to time. Sometimes people, things, events, really strike a nerve within me. Sometimes, to my own dismay this brings others a great deal of anger. I’ve been accused of riding on a high horse, words by a former great friend. I take those words with a bit of inner acceptance. For one,  I know that the truth hurts, nevertheless, when called upon to speak it, I will, high horse or not.

Rude, some may say, I agree, but when it comes to family and close friends, certain things are necessary and in some instances truth be told can be a good thing.

I have a certain cousin, one of many; I won’t use her name for legal reasonsJ. However, she is one of those “extreme coupon people”, that raid local food stores, CVS Pharmacy’s, Walgreen’s and just hustles their way out of the store with a slew of toilet paper, canned goods, razors (as if she grew so much hair), to then stockpile in makeshift shelving in the basement or a hallways closet of their home.

My mother’s doors are always open to family; she gives and gives, last week found herself finally on the receiving end. My coupon queen cousin comes over, declaring her admiration for my mother always having  “been there” for her and how appreciative she is and then states, I want to give you something, to help you with the household and grandpa (my mother cares for her 96 year old father, my grandfather, my cousin's grandfather). She then unloads large amounts of Farmer John’s sausage and pastries.

In gratitude, my mother accepts the boxes and boxes of “alleged” coupon deals from Walgreens & Food 4 Less. She is completely unaware what really lies in the cardboard boxes.

I visit my mother later that day. There is no ice in the refrigerator, so I proceed to the outside storage freezer, where my parents keep their meat products and as I open the white freezer, I see, get this, about 75 packages of Farmer John’s breakfast sausage, all neatly piled on top of one another. Immediately, my first thought is…mmmmm.... how peculiar. I then yell, mom where did you get all these sausage?

She yells back, as I slowly begin to close the freezer door, ice bag in my arm, cup in my hand, “O your cousin blah blah came over today and blessed us with it and she also brought sweets for grandpa. Blessed?  Suspicious, as I often am, I walk into the kitchen look at all the Madeline cookies and cream cheese croissants and notice the clear plastic is full of released oils and sugars as the food inside has clearly expired, I look at the expiration date and gasp.
I go outside and peer back into the freezer, and to my astonishment, all the 75 packages of sausage are nearly one year old. The sausages look like gray asphalt and aged. Clearly all the food has gone bad.  A blessing?? No, more like a curse and an insulting one at that. What was my extreme couponing cousin thinking, if she was thinking at all?? Did she no longer have room in her trash can??? Did she actually think my family, her family, would enjoy, year old toxic sausage? Does she think my parents suffer from a lack of money, or dignity, or breakfast links?

My cousin, this cousin always was an asshole. This confirms my initials thoughts when I was 16, and she used a water-hose for “fun” to viciously pre-soak one of our aunts. She humiliated her, and then laughed it off and said, well she looked hot and needed cooling off. They didn’t speak for years. I was 16 then, and I wanted to alley-fight my cousin.

Now, I want to call her and tell her how dare you bring my mother expired food. Come back in your leased car and pick your junk up and let me slap you a few times so you will know to never enter my mother’s house again blessing her with anything but gold.

My mother urges me against all this, she pleads, “O don’t say anything mija, some people have funny ways. We can’t even give them to the dogs, lets just throw it out.” So together, we pile the pastries and sausage up and walk to the outside dumpster and toss it all in.

In the end, extreme anything is absurd. There should be balance to everything. If you stockpile 500 gallons of tide and are not a supermarket  and continue to buy- you are an idiot. If then you go through all your coupon loot and find some have met the expiration date, and rather than throw out, you give it to relatives or friends- you are an asshole idiot and more than likely will raise asshole idiot kids. Nice clipping.


~~ Francine McMillon
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